Change Begins Within Me


So, you've acknowledged that you're not happy with how your mental health is and you want to change. But change is hard. Change is scary. Change is different from your normal. But what will happen if you don't change?

Growing up in a household where mental health wasn't openly spoken about, I kept everything to myself. I didn't tell a single soul that I was depressed, socially anxious, and suffered from two eating disorders. I was talking to a friend recently after reconnecting since high school (the really bad years) and when I asked her how she perceived me then, she told me I looked serious. I opened up to her about everything that was going on at the time and she was completely surprised about what was actually happening in my head.

To be very honest, I thought it was obvious that I was not ok.

It's not normal to cry when someone asks you how your day was, to not be able to name a single good thing that happened that day (my mother would tell me to name 3 good things after every school day... it was rough), to not have friends, to rarely speak, to be visibly wasting away, to be terrified of social gatherings. The list goes on, but you get the point. I THOUGHT IT WAS OBVIOUS. But huh, somehow, no one could tell.

There were even times when I allowed myself to slip up with trying to hide it hoping someone would notice and see it as a call for help. But nope, no one noticed. I felt so alone and so invisible.

But there comes a point when it really does get all too fucking much and you're so sick and tired of how things are. I wanted friends, I wanted to feel loved, I wanted to feel strong, I wanted to enjoy food again, and I wanted my luscious black hair back (being underweight does that to you).

Fortunately, I didn't go the route where I ended things permanently. Because I yearned for a different life, I realized that it was up to me to make it happen. At the time, I didn't have therapy. In fact, I didn't know that such a thing existed. If you've read The Story Behind: Screw This, I'm Out! You would know about the moment I decided to turn things around.

Since I didn't have therapy or a support system at the beginning, all the mental health initiatives I took to improve my life was from within myself. My drive to become better was so great and unwavering (most of the time), that I'm finally here, telling this story to you many years later.

This also shows that even if you do have a support system, it comes down to you. If you're not mentally ready to receive therapy or to open up and start working through your mental health issues, it's going to be a waste of time and possibly, money. You need to completely commit to healing to really make a difference.

Change begins within you.

Now you say: Change begins within me.

Now you know the story behind the Change Begins Within Me design! There aren't any pictoral illustrations, but I thought it was a great enough message to just have text.

Thanks for reading!

- Karen :)

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